Tuesday, September 16, 2008
abit emo..
haiz...i now very sad again..
i appreciate the concern frm zhi hao...
but ...he reopened some wounds in my heart...
my heart now feels very heavy...
i bein reminded of the fact tt my mum may not hve much time left 2 live...
i inform u bout my mum's condition bah...
my mum is sufferin frm cancer in her nose...
we found out she had it at the end of my P6 yr...
around dec.....
tis is the second cancer my mum has....
she endured the previous one 12 yrs ago....
its in exactly the same spot....
anyway the start of sec 1 yr was not gd for me...
visited my mum in the ICU everyday aft sch...
everyday wonderin if she will survive til the nxt day...
she was in the ICU for most part of the yr...
w/o my mum by my side....
my grades fell.....
sometimes i cry in my slp durin tt period....
lookin at my sis bein so carefree.... cuz she did not understand the seriousness of the situation...
durin my sec 1 yr i was very silent and emo...
hardly made many frens....
except through scouts...even then was not really enthu....
but i did it for my mum as she was the one who put me in scoutin...
i did it 2 make her happy.... even though she was not able to tell....
she was in a coma most of the time.... barely able to talk even....
when she woke up... she blamed herself alot....
for causing my entire family and relatives to worry for her...
my grandma cried alot during the early times of her hospitalisation..
my father stayed over in the hospital most of the time with my grandma....
tt was a very tryin period for me....
sec 1 was an unhappy period of time for me...
sec 2 yr... my mum was better and able to move 2 a normal ward...
but she sometimes hve asthma attacks....
causin her 2 choke alot and get sent back to the ICU...
one time she had such a bad attack that she nearly died....
they did CPR or smth on her... and she barely held on...
my heart wounds reopened again and i cried once more...
knowin how close i was to losin her...
i've been prayin for her everyday.....even now...
but we found out frm the doctors that there was nth else they can do for her...
her cancer was too advanced and my mum was too weak that they are unable to do anth...
so.... nth to do but wait and hope....
at the end of my sec 2 yr or after the june holidays rather..
she was discharged frm the hospital ....
she escaped frm the battle wif death badly maimed...
she can't talk properly... cnt eat solid food...
mostly deaf and has 2 wear a hearin aid....
has double visions and her throat was badly injured...
so my sec 2 yr ended tt way....
sec 3 at the start of the yr...
my mum coughed out a cupful of blood....
was sent 2 ICU again....
stayed in the hospital for a few days before coming out....
by then i grew used to the fact that my mum will die...
i decided not to mourn ...
but instead live life to the fullest .... as u nvr noe when it may end...
tts y i grew more active tis yr...
more enthu...
more social and willin to go out...
even makin as many frens i can....
but ...
there will always b tt emptiness inside my heart .....
sometimes my mum cries over her condition...
but i nvr cry in front of her...cuz i must b strong for her....
i now damn sad tt even tears alrdy comin to my eyes...
sometimes i feel lyk endin all the grief in me by killin myself...
but i noe i will hurt my mum even more....
tears juz keep rollin down my face...
I JUZ FEEL SO HELPLESSS.........
i dun wanna close my eyes...
i dun wanna fall aslp...
cuz i miss u babe...
and i dun wanna miss u again...
tts how i feel... when i look at my mom...
cuz i nvr know when it may b the las time i see her....
i built a brick wall around my heart....
to prevent myself frm hurtin again...
but my frens are tearin tis wall down...brick by brick...
wif their compassion....
making me become the person i hve hidden ..... since pri sch....
for tt i thk u guys for all the understandin u hve shown me...
thks.... u guys (and girls) rock!!